|Well, okay, the following was written, more or less as a
joke, and I didn't have the courage to post it for the longest time(you
may wish that situation had remained that way). The chatter before, and
during, the disclaimer dates from when I wrote it, and I couldn't resist
leaving it in (there's a pretty fair chance it's more entertaining than
the story-I think I'm stalling, btw). The first part was written by her
blondness to intro it to someone she'd promised to show the story to.
Okay, I'll shut up now…PB (the rabbity half of this partnership)
The following is the story I commented on. The one that her
cowardliness refuses to post. Have I mentioned that she has an extremely
sick sense of humor?
Okay, this is PB here...the other half of this Mutt and Jeff act that
has become my email address. Somebody recently posted the story idea
"what would have happened if Xena and Gabby had met while X was
still a warlord?" Well, that person may come to regret that,
because I really couldn't resist the likely answer to the question (I'm
gonna get killed--I know this--but I warned ****** that I am NO good at
keeping my mouth shut, and never could resist a bad joke, and I'm a
really bad person anyway--and definitely stalling here). Somebody else
threw out an idea for a story title (yep, I'm dead), so I sorta stole
it, and--well flipped it around and--I'm definitely stalling again.
Okay, P.B. courage---what can they do to you (please, no one answer than
question). Really, it's all a bit of black humor, nothing more than
that. I should never be taken seriously...never...ever...not even a
Disclaimer: If you're hoping for sex, soorrrrry--cuz you won't find
it here. This story is also lacking in plot, any great reason for
existence, and its primary saving grace is the fact that it's short,
very short, in fact, there are probably fewer actual words in the story
than there are in the Author's notes and Disclaimer. The characters of
Xena and Gabrielle, by the way, don't belong to me, they belong to MCA
and Renaissance Pictures, and I am lowlife, thieving scum for using them
is such a base way (damn, I'm definitely stalling again--or maybe I'm
just hoping my playwriting teacher's theory that anything can be funny
if repeated at least three times is true--if you're laughing, you won't
kill me [note from her blondness: only one problem with that theory
kiddo. These are Xena fans, and Xena often kills with a smile on her
face] Yep, I'm dead).
NOT SO GUILTY PLEASURES
By The Rabbit in Pink Rabbit (in the interest of not
blaming her partner for this)
The smell of smoke floated across the village of Poteidaia, and
continued to rise from the smoldering remains of the fifteen or twenty
building that had marked the center of trade for the area. The surviving
citizens of the town were clumped together, guarded the same rough
looking lowlifes, who had ridden down on them, bringing fire and
Xena stared across her newly conquered property, mouth turning up in
a feral smile. It turned to a frown as one of them stumbled forward, her
strawberry blonde hair flying behind her. "You can't do this,"
the little peasant swore as she hit the ground on her hands and knees.
Without getting up, she launched into a long, complicated series of
reasons why Xena couldn't do what she'd already done, that included a
lecture on the gods, history, and possibly personal hygiene.
Xena shook her head as she stared at the peasant with an expression
of bemused disbelief. She didn't like words, never particularly had, and
this girl was the single mouthiest human being she'd ever had the
mischance of running across. She was pretty enough, which should fetch a
decent price at the market--unless, of course, she opened that mouth.
What man would buy a woman who talked that much--particularly if he was
already married. It would be like having two wives. By the gods, she was
still talking. Xena was rapidly coming to believe she'd never
A few of the other peasants looked like they were taking courage from
their comrade's babbling. She'd have to end that edge of rebellion
quickly. Xena shoved a booted foot against the chattering woman's
shoulder, knocking her onto her backside. Yes, this one would be scant
sacrifice to get the others to fall in line. A toothy smile curved
Xena's generous mouth. "You really should have kept your mouth
shut," she advised cheerfully, and reached for the sword strapped
across her back.
Short minutes later, Xena finished cleaning her sword and strode
away, confident that the peasants were now thoroughly cowed.
All in a day's work for Xena: Warrior Princess.
Author's final note: It's just a joke--really--I'm just kidding. Xena
would never kill Gabrielle, I don't hate Gabrielle--really, I like her a
lot. I just couldn't resist. It's meant to be a very black
comedy...and...and... All I ask, is please don't kill me...please...
[Hmmm...I feel like I should be chanting "Kill her, kill
her." On the other hand, it's hard to get ticked at somebody who's
pleading that hard…]
There you have it...still think this is a good idea? Hey, give me
credit, at least I cut the part where Gabrielle's head went bouncing
down the road to the tune of thwocketa, thwocketa sound effects (whoops,
I think I'd better go now--that gathering crowd looks mean). PB (rabbit
running for the hills)
to the Fanfic Summary Page
All images © 1996, 1997 Pink Rabbit Productions
X:WP, and all characters are the property of MCA Universal Television,
and Renaissance Pictures