Email comments to Verrath at Verrath@gmx.de

As usual, Gabrielle preferred to walk, while the silent warrior rode beside her. Xena had been in a particularly foul mood the last few days. Not that Gabrielle could blame her, seeing how the last week or so had been one endless string of 'too lates'. They had just never seemed to make it in time to be of any real help, and the two of them would have been sorely needed on several occasions.

First, entering a village just after a band of raiders had laid waste, they had been able only to help douse the still smoldering fires and bury the dead. The two companions had of course picked up the band's trail, but had been unable to close the distance. A heavy rain had obscured the tracks, then another setback as Argo had lost a shoe, and they had had to go half a day's journey out of their way to get that fixed. The next village in the raiders' path had been much the same as the first, though, mercifully, there had been no dead this time. When a very grumpy Xena and a bone-weary Gabrielle had finally caught up with the band, they had been spotted too soon - Gabrielle's fault for being too noisy, she admitted, chagrined - and run into an ambush. In the ensuing battle, the warrior and the bard had been able to vent some of their frustration by beating the stuffing out of the guys. But by the time they had won through, the band had scattered, with no trace of their leader, no doubt to regroup someplace where there were less dangerous women about. Again, too late.

Then, more rain, damp clothes, biting wind, adding to their low spirits.

So they had agreed to spent the night under a roof for a change, at some inn or other, and had arrived at the next city just after the gates had been closed for the night. Too late, again. Xena's frustrated pounding on the door had not helped, and Gabrielle had barely talked her out of taking the place apart.

But the worst had been this morning, when Xena had jumped into a raging river, swollen by the rains, to save a drowning child. She had fought like a lion to reach him, but had finally been able only to present a limp, dead little body to the tearful parents. Too late, again.

So Gabrielle felt pretty bad, too, but she knew that it must be worse for her warrior friend, who tended to take all the blame on her own shoulders. Even if she had done all that was humanly possible, and more.

She had tried to offer words of comfort, but Xena, her usual I'm-tough-so-leave-me-in-my-nutshell gruff self, had waved her off with a curt gesture. Gabrielle was sure a big hug or something of the kind would have done wonders for the warrior - for herself as well, she admitted silently - but that, of course, was quite out of the question. So she had just been sulking right alongside her companion, after having tried once or twice to lighten the mood with some silly story or other, and having failed miserably.

And the rain was still drizzling incessantly.

It was times like these that made the young bard wonder why she still put up with the grouchy ex-warlord. Xena was touchy and brooding at the best of times, progressing to downright hostile and cold at the worst. That was when Gabrielle just couldn't seem to do anything right in the woman's eyes. At such times, Xena had a way of making her feel out of place and incompetent that hurt Gabrielle profoundly. And the warrior didn't even seem to notice.

And yet there had been a time when she had left Xena's side, to go back home to her family, and rebuild her life there. Even now, the unexpected lump of pain she had felt at the separation still shocked her. And hadn't Xena just popped up out of nowhere, like a guardian angel, just when she had desperately needed her? As if the warrior had known Gabrielle would run into trouble. The joy she had felt at seeing Xena again had had very little to do with having had her life saved. Just in time. Again.

No, she had to admit to herself that her feelings for the beleaguered warrior ran deep. And Xena had shown her more than once that she did care about her. Although the tall warrior would rather bite her tongue off than admit to that. Of that, Gabrielle was sure.

There were, of course, lighter sides to the warrior, all the more precious because they were so rare. Lately, Gabrielle had actually been allowed to see the person underneath that impenetrable shell, if only in small glimpses. She suspected that there was a compassionate, witty, and wonderful woman hiding behind that hard-as-nails warlord routine, and she was determined to dig her out somehow.

Feeling a sudden need to be physically close to the silent warrior, Gabrielle looked up at Xena.

"Mind if I ride with you for a bit?"

Eyes of blue ice widened slightly at the request, but Xena wordlessly reached around with her right arm to haul the smaller woman up behind her. Gabrielle marveled again at the sheer power in those muscular arms, and the graceful ease with which it was being used. She tried to find a comfortable spot on Argo's back between the back of the saddle and their blanket roll, and put her arms around Xena's waist, locking her hands over the other woman's belly. Needing a handhold, of course. As expected, she felt Xena stiffen a little at the contact, then slowly relax again to her former, taut-as-a-bowstring self. She held on a little tighter, and surprisingly, felt Xena relax a little more. She could not have kept the pleased grin off her face if she had tried. Well, what do you know? I am finally getting inside your defenses, am I not, my friend?

"If you squeeze any tighter, I won't be able to breathe, you know."

Whoops. Didn't notice I was doing that. Xena's voice had sounded calm and more composed than in days, and a touch...what? Amused? Definitely. And something else that Gabrielle couldn't quite place. She found herself blushing furiously, and lightened her hold. A little.

"Um. Sorry."

She could feel the warrior chuckle silently. Well, at least, it's loosened her up a bit. But I do hope she can't feel the heat coming from my face!

Xena perked up suddenly, and pulled Argo to a stop. Five burly, filthy-looking men jumped out from behind some bushes, armed with an assortment of swords, staffs and maces. Xena sighed, and in one fluid motion was down off the warhorse, sword drawn, eyes blazing.

"Stay put", she threw over her shoulder, and took a stance between Gabrielle and the ruffians.

Five against one, Gabrielle mused, I wonder... nah, she won't need my help there.

The apparent leader gave them both a gap-toothed grin. "Well, well, and what's youze ladies doin' travelin' de countryside all alone? Dese parts 's dangerous for d' likes o' youze."

I don't think so, Gabrielle answered him silently, casting a fond look at her companion.

"We're not looking for trouble. So if you'd just step aside, nobody will get hurt", Xena said evenly. Gabrielle thought fleetingly that, not so long ago, her friend would not have bothered to give warning. But it seemed this was not a very bright lot of road toughs. It was easy to see that these oafs were in for a beating. Gabrielle was a little shocked at herself for actually looking forward to the show. But she couldn't help herself. Most road ruffians were filthy and unkempt, but these guys were positively disgusting. The unmistakable leer on some of their faces made her shudder. And then there was, of course, the thrilling prospect of watching that lithe and muscular warrior's body do its stuff...

"Ah, but, Baby-blue-eyes, who said anyting about hoiting? We's just a-looking for some entertainment."

Gabrielle almost laughed out loud. Imagine calling Xena that! They were definitely looking for 'entertainment'

They passed nods around, and as one advanced on the Warrior Princess, who let out that blood-curdling, ululating war cry and launched herself into action. Gabrielle watched in some fascination as Xena whirled, parried, and countered, keeping all five at arm's distance with seeming ease, all the while keeping herself firmly positioned between Gabrielle and the opponents. They were better than average fighters, Gabrielle had to concede after a while, going at Xena as a team and trying to complement each other's moves. She saw Xena stiffen for a split second, whip her head around to glance past the bard, eyes widening.

"Gabrielle, look out!" Then the battle in front of her reclaimed her attention.

Gabrielle knew the drill. She was on the ground in a flash - though not as quickly or gracefully as her friend - staff ready, facing where Xena's glance had been directed. Three more men had been trying to sneak up behind them. Gabrielle muttered an oath that usually reddened her ears when she heard it from her warrior friend. Three muscular, tall men, armed with staffs and a wicked-looking war-axe, radiating battle lust. The young bard knew immediately that she was badly outmatched. And her friend was more than ten paces away, unable for the moment to break away form the other five. Xena's words suddenly came back to her:

"If it looks hopeless, just try not to think of your limitations. Focus on that which you know. It's amazing how much more you can accomplish when you refuse to acknowledge what you can't do."

And she ought to know. Boy, did she ever! Well, this should be a blast. Here goes. She threw herself at them in a frenzy, actually driving them back a step or two and scoring on a nose before they recovered from their surprise. Staff whirling in the moves the warrior had taught her with surprising patience, Gabrielle was amazed to see she seemed to be holding her own for the moment. Now, if she could only hang in there until Xena -

A flicker of movement at her side was all the warning she had. Something connected to her head with a sharp crack, there was a white-hot flash of pain, and Xena's cry, far off, anguished. "Gabrielle!"

Then, darkness. Nothing.

"Xena? Xena, are you there?"

A hand gently took hers.

"I'm right here, Gabrielle."

"Oh, gods, everything is dark. I can't see a thing. What happened?"

There was a long silence, before the Warrior Princess answered. "We got killed. I was too late to come to you. And when I saw you go down, I just... well, it messed up my defenses. So here I am, with you."

"But where...?"

"We're in Limbo, for now."

"We're dead? But...."

"It's true, Gabrielle. I'm sorry. I have failed you. Too late, again."

"But why are we here, in Limbo? I mean, we should be headed...somewhere. How...?" She broke off as the realization struck her. "Oh, gods, Xena... No, please!"

Again, a long silence. "Yes. I'm sorry. We are not going to the same place. This is good-bye."

"No. No way. I'm going where you go."

"No, Gabrielle", was the gentle reply, "knowing you were in Tartarus would be the worst torture of all. And you know it's not possible."

"But there are so many things I wanted to tell you...."

"Gabrielle, you don't have to say a word."

Gabrielle felt the black hand of despair grab her throat. "But being in the Elysian Fields without you there is worse torture for me than anything even Hades could come up with. I need you, Xena. I... What's going on?"

The hand in hers felt suddenly fuzzier, and colder.

"We are fading towards our destinations. Don't despair, Gabrielle. Please!"

"Xena!"

"Gabrielle, you will always be in my heart. And when the torture is bad, just thinking of you will make it easier, and knowing you are... where you will be. They say the dead have a long memory, and I will never forget you. I love you, Gabrielle. I have for a long time."

"Xena, I -"

Xena's hand was now no more than a light mist brushing her own.

"Yes, say it Gabrielle". Even the voice was fuzzy.

"Don't go. I need you." There was a faint shimmer of light coming from somewhere.

"Please, Gabrielle, speak your heart." Xena's voice was plaintive. The light grew brighter, extending towards Gabrielle.

Gabrielle screamed the words. "I love you, Xena"

Flicker

Gabrielle woke up screaming from the nightmare. She remembered little, except that it had involved Xena in some way, and that they had somehow been ripped from each other. The afterthought still hurt. She got up to get the fire going, and froze. She was alone. There was no camp, just a hard-packed forest road, and a small ditch dug just beside it, where she had been sleeping. Her head spun a little, and images of a fight flashed before her eyes. Someone hitting her over the head with a staff, or something. She had a foul taste in her mouth, and swallowed several times to clear it.

Where was Xena? Though sometimes rough and touchy, Xena had always been a loyal companion when push came to shove. She would not just have left her here by herself, defenseless. Or would she? Chagrined, she had to admit to herself that there was still that huge, dark side of her friend that she had no handle on, motivations that she simply did not understand, and probably never would. But still, she could not find it in her heart to believe that Xena had just deserted her.

She studied the road carefully, and, sure enough, there were Argo's hoofprints, easy to recognize by the newly shod left hind foot. "Well, wouldn't she be proud of me", Gabrielle said aloud, "Not bad, on a hard-packed, much-traveled road." She smiled to herself. "Not bad for a little naive would-be bard. Yes, ma'am." She strode purposefully in the direction the tracks indicated, trying to hide her sudden feeling of loneliness by singing softly to herself, and forcing a swing into her step.

At the edge of the field, she stopped, appalled. There had been a battle here, recently. The ground had been churned thoroughly, dead men and horses lay everywhere, and over everything hung the faint, coppery smell of blood. Gabrielle resolutely fought back the rising wave of nausea. No time for that now, and no warrior friend to lay a reassuring hand on her shoulder, to make that emotional shield for her that so helped her endure these experiences. Because, doing what Xena did, such things happened. And Gabrielle was sure her companion never realized just how much easier those tiny gestures of support made facing them.

Argo's tracks led straight into the battleground, but it never occurred to Gabrielle to look for her friend among the dead. Instead she tried to read what traces where left to find out where the heart of the battle had been. And then she noticed the huge rock that sat there, a few dozen paces away, with a curious little nick in it, at about head's height, like the mark of a sharp object, cutting horizontally. "Chakram." The sound of her voice sounded eerie in the deathly silence of the battlefield, and she resolved to lay off the talking to herself for the time being. She approached the rock. There must have been some battle here! Blood liberally smeared its face, and about two dozen soldiers lay dead in a neat half circle. One corpse sat against the base, a two-handed sword still tightly in its grasp, minus the head. Gabrielle's breath caught at the sight of the body, for she did not know many people who could hold off even half that many attackers. Until she realized that the corpse was male, and that the head had been neatly severed by a sharp object. It did not take a brilliant mind to figure out which object, Gabrielle realized with some misgiving. Whose side had Xena been on? Which had been the good guys, anyway? In any case, Xena had been here, and that headless corpse must be her handiwork. Gabrielle shuddered. She always felt more than a little uneasy when this dark side of the Warrior Princess reasserted itself.

"Looking for somebody?"

Gabrielle whirled at the sound of the familiar, yet somehow strange voice, mentally berating herself for not being alert. But glad for the sound of that voice nonetheless. "Xena! I've been looking for you. I woke up by the road, and you were gone. What happened...here?" Something tickled in the back of her mind. Something...

"Yeah, well, had to decide. Chose to help the boys, here." There was nothing human in those blue eyes. Gabrielle shuddered. "Good thing, too." The warlord patted a sack she had slung over her shoulder. There was a largish round object in it, and the bottom of the sack had taken a moist redness. "This will fetch a nice bounty." Her evil chuckle sent a shiver down the bard's spine, as she realized what the contents must be. She swooned. This could not be! This wasn't her Xena. This was a monster! She thought about running away, running until her lungs gave out, until she just dropped down dead. This was a thing she saw in her worst nightmares, the Xena of the old times come back, the terrible warlord that had conquered half of Greece. She tottered a few steps, suddenly very weak, and felt a strong hand roughly grab her arm.

"Can't have that, now, girl. Well, since you're here anyway, better come with me. Camp's over there." She whistled, and soon Argo came trotting up to her. Grateful for the familiar figure, Gabrielle patted the mare's soft muzzle. She had the distinct feeling that the golden warhorse looked apologetic.

"Up you go", Xena said as she heaved her up easily and jumped up behind her, kneeing the animal into a light canter.

A million thoughts chased themselves in Gabrielle's head. This was a complete stranger. The Xena she knew was gruff, distant, perhaps even cold, but never this - inhumane. This woman was like a golem, an animated figure made of dead material. Gabrielle vainly groped for the feeling of warm comfort that always came over her when she was this close to Xena. What was happening? Again, that tickle in the back of her mind, just out of reach.

The 'camp' was set up in a small walled village, where villagers slunk out of their view as they passed. Soldiers were everywhere, rough-looking men greeting Xena respectfully, mending armor, tending horses, drinking. There was a good deal of gambling going on as well, and several village girls had been pressed into services they most definitely did not want to perform. Gabrielle was appalled.
"Xena, what do you think you're doing here?" She waited for the warlord to dismount and extend a hand to help her down. The hand never came, so she jumped down on her own, fixing Xena with a stare, that the Warrior Princess returned with cold amusement. "These poor people are frightened of you! But how...? You've changed, you've turned your back on all this, haven't you? This is not your way." She continued more quietly. "Not what I see in you."

The warlord arched an eyebrow. "And just what do you see in me, little girl?"

Gabrielle regarded her intently. Looked as deep as she could into those glacier eyes, And found not a trace of emotion there. Her eyes stung, but she refused to let the tears come. Not when this - beast - was there to see.

"I don't see anything...anymore", she said quietly. "Once, I saw a woman that had come through hard times, through years of darkness, a terrible warlord who had finally seen the evil of her ways. And shedding them, trying to begin anew, was the bravest, most wonderful thing I have ever seen anyone do. And I've admired and loved you for that. It may not have been much, but I was ready to help you fight that battle in every way I could. But it seems I have failed in that - I have failed you. Perhaps this was inevitable. Perhaps I was too late."

"Too late", Xena said thoughtfully. She was staring through Gabrielle, her brow creased. Gabrielle had never noticed how harsh the lines around her mouth and eyes were. The warlord looked battered, worn, used up. In spite of everything, Gabrielle's heart went out to her all over again. She might have failed Xena, but she would not desert her. She was going to stand by her friend's side, no matter what the outcome. No matter if Xena even cared, or wanted her to. The warrior might not know it, but Gabrielle suddenly sensed that she was a major key to Xena's salvation, and she would not, could not deny her that, even when her friend was...as she was now.

"Too late, again," Xena repeated, "too late again," like a mantra to ward off... something.

Again, that funny feeling teasing the edge of her awareness. There was something marginally, but terribly, out of beat.

"Xena", she said on impulse, "What do you see in me?"

The warrior's eyes focused on her, scanned her thoroughly, and looked right into her soul. Xena pulled her lips into a sad parody of a smile. "A young bard with much promise. An innocent. A beautiful woman. A fool, for sticking with me. One I would call friend." Her mouth formed the word awkwardly, as if uttering it for the first time. Then a look of startled wonder crossed her face, as she silently mouthed another word. Lover.

Gabrielle's mind screamed. She looked sadly at the warlord. An unreasonable wave of guilt washed over her. My love, what have you become? I should have prevented this. Somehow. Well I'm still here. I can keep trying. And I will. Because you need me. Because I love you.

Flicker.

Gabrielle slowly opened her eyes, blinking against bright light that sent a searing pain through her head. A groan escaped her, and she forced her eyes open all the way. Looking straight into a pair of glacier blue eyes, gazing at her with some concern and more than a little relief. The eyes, she noticed, looked drawn and reddened.

"Hey", Gabrielle croaked, "How long have I been out?" Oh, Xena, forgive me. I have left you... Where had that thought come from?

"Couple days. How are you feeling?"

"Hurts. Bad"

"I'm sure. You received a pretty bad whack there. You'll be all right in a little bit."

Gabrielle managed a small nod.

"Well, seems I have you back in one piece." Xena smiled. "I'm glad. I would never have forgiven myself otherwise. Too late, again, to keep you from harm." The smile vanished. "For a while, I thought I'd lose you. You were delirious. Must have been some roller coaster."

"You can say that again", Gabrielle said weakly, and tried to sit up. "Xena, I -"

Xena pushed her back down gently. "No, Gabrielle, don't say anything." Xena laid a light finger on her mouth, gently tracing her lips. "I really thought you'd... I couldn't stand the thought of not looking into your eyes again. And all the while all I could think about was how badly I've been treating you. And how I wouldn't be able to tell you how much I care about you. And how sorry I am."

"I know that Xena. You don't have to tell me."

"Gabrielle, you don't understand. What I want to tell you is..."

"Xena, I do understand. Believe me." She raised her hand to the warrior's face, who took it and pressed it against her cheek, smiling.

"I think you do."

"You're beautiful when you smile, you know that?"

Xena kissed the palm of the bard's hand, tears springing suddenly to her eyes. "I don't know what I would have done if you'd... Oh gods, I'm so glad you're here." She leaned down, and, with infinite tenderness, brushed her lips against the bard's.

"I love you, Gabrielle. I have for a long time."

Gabrielle held the warrior's head in place, and returned the kiss.

"I love you, Xena

Flicker.

She hung on for dear life, dangling from a half-dislodged rope bridge, a pit of molten rock and raging fire beneath her. She knew she wouldn't be able to hold on much longer. Her fingers were turning numb, and one hand had already slipped dangerously.

"Xena!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "Help me!"

Xena's appeared at the top of the pit, eyes widening in shock. The warrior crawled forward, extending a hand down to her. The heat was becoming unbearable. Gabrielle felt dizzy. Xena's hand hovered inches above hers.

"Take my hand, Gabrielle."

"I can't! If I let go, I'll fall. I don't have the strength to.... Please, Xena!"

"Come on, I won't let you fall. You have to let go!"

"I can't." Her fingers were slipping. Xena stared at her in horror. Too late, again. Then, by one of her incredible tricks, she somehow caught hold of Gabrielle's arm just as the bard lost her hold, and flung her back to the rocky edge, to safety. But the movement had cost her her own precarious hold on the dangling pieces of wood, and she started falling. Gabrielle, still stunned, could only stare helplessly as her friend disappeared into the lava pit.

"No, this can't be true", she whispered. Something stirred in the back of her mind. I'm dreaming. I must be. She looked down at her falling friend, who looked back up at her with an expression of peaceful resignation. This had to be a dream. This had to be... She took a step closer to the edge. Just one more step....

I will not leave you..."I love you, Xena."

Flicker.

Was this what it felt like to die? To just feel incredibly light, and find yourself floating in a soft cushion of emptiness? Or perhaps this was a state of mind, another level of consciousness. Whatever it was, it felt wonderful. She became aware of her surroundings. There was her own body, lying very pale and still and bruised about an arm's length beneath her, red-gold hair cluttered with blood, and a damp cloth wound around her head. She could feel her connection to it still, like a gossamer thread that held her ethereal form in place, an extension of her soul. All it would take to go back was take a breath, and she knew it was in her power to do it. All it took to sever her last hold was a tiny pull. And that, she knew, was in her power, too.

Xena's tall, dark form sat beside her, with a look of utter helplessness about her that tore at Gabrielle's heart. Half of the road gangsters lay dead some way off, birds already pecking at their remains. Another looked alive and reasonably unhurt, but unconscious. He, too lay forgotten for the moment. The rest were gone. The dark-haired woman had not taken the time to clean up the battlefield. The warrior had one of the bard's limp hands in her own, and firmly pressed to her cheek. Even from where she was, Gabrielle could sense the salty wetness of Xena's shed tears on her hand, smell the faint scent that was Xena, mingled with leather and the herbal healing salve that always went on her cuts and bruises. It was as if all her senses were heightened. Gabrielle could sense the slightest breath of wind on her body, see the creases in Xena's leathers and every nick and dent in the warrior's armor, even the silky hairs on her arms. And she could hear her breathing, and the steady strong beat of her heart. And the faint, high whistle that was the same slight breeze brushing through that long, dark hair.

"Oh, Gabrielle, Gabrielle, please don't leave me", Xena was whispering. "You know damn well I need you here. If it hadn't been for you, where would I be? I had already given up, before you came into my life. There was so much darkness in me, and you just came, and pulled back the shutters, and let the light in. It didn't just change my direction - it turned my whole universe upside down. And I'm still adjusting, Gabrielle. You've got to help me trough this. I need you." She kissed the hand at her cheek with infinite tenderness, and took a shuddering breath. Gabrielle was mesmerized. She willed her hand to move, to reach out to the warrior, tell her she was there, and that she would never leave her, but her body did not respond.

"I don't know if you can hear me, Gabrielle, but if you do, I..." she closed her eyes for a moment, her voice catching. "I don't know if I can survive if I can never look into your eyes again. I hope you know how much you mean to me, my dearest bard. Because I have never told you. I love you more than anything. If you... if this kills you, I... Gods!!! Oh, if any of you are listening, I know I've done more than enough to deserve this, but please don't take it out on her! If you must take a life, take mine. A hundred eternities in Tartarus is not too much to pay if she lives."

Gabrielle could feel something pulling at her, stretching that fragile link to her body. It felt incredibly good. All she had to do was pull herself away. But she wanted so desperately to make the pain in those blue eyes vanish. It was with a mixture of joyous wonder and unbearable grief that Gabrielle realized that none other than herself was the cause for that pain. And she could put the pride back into those hunched shoulders, or load onto them a burden that this brave, brave warrior was unequipped to carry. Somewhere in the back of her mind a little voice yammered at her to let go already, and be free. The need to be away from the mortal shell that still bound her became almost unbearable. A burning desire opening up inside her like a budding flower.

Xena had gone very still suddenly, staring intently at her companion's chest that had been heaving ever so slightly until a moment ago. Frantically, she searched Gabrielle's wrist for a pulse, then put her hand to the bard's throat, exploring, panic making her breath come in strained wheezes.

"Don't you dare die on me, Gabrielle!" she screamed, balling her fist and slamming it onto the bard's sternum, and then again, and again. She covered the small mouth with her own, and forced air into Gabrielle's lungs. "Breathe, goddammit, breathe!" Racked by sobs, she continued slamming down on Gabrielle's lifeless body, and breathing air into her.

Oh, Gods, I want to see what's up there. This feeling is so...beautiful! The link to her body went taut, and would snap any moment. But never without her. Never. I'm not ready to go. Because she isn't. And whatever happens, where she goes, after, I go. Not even the gods can stop...love.

"I said breathe! For once in your life, do as you're told, damn you!" In her heightened awareness, Gabrielle could see Xena's eyes glaze over in rage, could sense her lose her last grip on sanity. If that rage took over, the Xena of the dark times would be back tenfold. Gabrielle willed her to hold on to what control she had left, and screamed inwardly at her inability to do more.

It is not your time yet, came a voice in her mind that was not her own, we would have welcomed you, but you have made your choice. Go back now, and fulfill your destiny.

"I trusted you! I loved and trusted you." Xena's body trembled all over as she again pounded Gabrielle's chest. "And just like all the others, you betray me!" She collapsed, sobbing, onto Gabrielle's chest. "For the love of the gods, Gabrielle, BREATHE!!!!"

Not for the love of the gods, Xena. For you, and for me. For our salvation, and our love.

Gabrielle breathed.

They were walking through a quiet glade in a humid forest. Xena had exchanged her armor for a cream-colored tunic, and Gabrielle herself was wearing a light green one that set of her hair and eyes beautifully. They had been here for - how long? A few days? Weeks? She could not remember. It did not matter. Xena mattered.

You gave your life for me - and after I failed you. There's something...

"What is it, love? You look troubled." Xena's voice sounded light, almost childlike. Gabrielle felt a faint shock at the endearment. She looked up at her friend. Xena's brow was furrowed, concern in her eyes. Gabrielle tried a reassuring smile, convinced that she wouldn't fool her sharp friend for a second. She could already see the warrior's arched eyebrow, that probing look that bored right into her soul, and the little shrug to tell Gabrielle she wasn't buying it but would not inquire further. Yet.

She let a faint breeze brush her face and the sun kiss her closed eyelids before speaking. "Oh, I'm all right. I've just been thinking." It was such a beautiful day. She did not want to let her unreasonably dark mood spoil it. Sunlight shone through the canopy of leaves over their heads, making shifting patterns of golden light and green shadow on the mossy floor.

Xena put her arm around Gabrielle in a familiar gesture that brought another small shock to the bard. She gave Gabrielle a tentative smile. There were more emotions warring in those blue eyes now than Gabrielle remembered ever having seen in the dark-haired woman's face, in the whole time they had traveled together.

"Is our... relationship bothering you? We never really talked about it, when I was still... well, you know. And after... it seems we just both assumed it's all right. Is it?" She studied the ground, unable to look at Gabrielle, plainly very much needing to hear the answer.

Gabrielle's mind raced. She was frantically trying to find the missing pieces in her memory, while doing her best to keep her struggle from showing on her face. She appeared to be succeeding, too, much to her consternation. She seemed to recall... a ritual, involving a couple of gods, a sacrifice of love from herself, and one from Xena... yes. The Purging. It came back slowly, fuzzily.

Aphrodite and Hades, ritually cleansing all the darkness from Xena's beleaguered soul. It had been quite a job to make that deal with them. Xena had had serious misgivings, but she had finally agreed. So they had excised the beast and left the beauty to be by herself. The purity, light, and glorious presence of her newly-created lover had taken Gabrielle's breath away. When Gabrielle had approached the Goddess of Love afterwards about the sacrifices, Aphrodite had just told her with an unreadable expression, "They've already been made, sweetcakes. Xena's to Hades, and yours, honeybumpkin, to myself." A sudden smirk. "Woo-eee, and what a sacrifice that was! Gotta scram. Ta da." And with that, she had been gone.

At first, it had been glorious. The realization that Xena was finally free of her sins had thrown her into a happy trance, and they had spent much time rejoicing and making promises of undying love.

But then, somehow, things had changed. Xena had opened her soul completely for her, but Gabrielle was startled by a lack of depth in character. She found the determination and the integrity of the woman she had thought she knew so well missing. And it bothered her that Xena now took just about anybody into her confidence. It made what they had between them so much less precious.

At night, with Xena asleep like a baby at her side, Gabrielle would sit awake pondering. And the more she had thought about it, the more certain she had become that she had made a terrible mistake.

Xena just wasn't Xena without the vast experience, the skills, and the unique perspective that her long years of darkness had left her with. She had in her an iron will and innate strength that was born of hardship and strife. And not to forget her animal instincts and lightning reflexes, that wilder, untamed side of her that stirred something deep inside Gabrielle whenever she saw it surface. To purge her of her dark side was like cutting away an essential part of her personality. The realization came as no small surprise to the bard, but that unfathomable darkness and the ensuing complexity of her character made up a lot of Xena's appeal to her. That brave struggle she put up day after day that no one except Gabrielle even had an inkling of, the stoic acceptance of the hate and prejudice she still had to face, and that amazing trick of redirecting and channeling the dark forces still at work in her to use them in the name of good. All that coupled with her impressive appearance and compelling personality, was what Gabrielle had been so very attracted to in the first place. And if the warrior had a kind heart and quick wit hidden somewhere to temper it all with - well!

Gabrielle let her gaze take in the woman standing before her. She was - incomplete, shallow. Unexciting. Gabrielle felt nothing but pity, and remorse. Was I responsible for that? Oh gods, I have destroyed what she is. She must walk towards the light through her own darkness for it to be real. I should not have made them do it to her. I thought I could make it easier for her, I couldn't bear to witness that eternal struggle any more. Yet, it never seemed to bother her as much as it bothered me. So, was it just me, being selfish? Well, bard, this is your reward. She seems happy now, though. That's all that counts, isn't it? Maybe it was for the best after all. Then why can't I be glad? Why do I have this feeling I have crippled her spirit? I had no right. I have failed her... because of my selfish love for her. And now...

Realization slowly dawned. I do not love her... My sacrifice to Aphrodite. I gave up...THAT???? Oh, gods, what have I done? And that meant Hades had gotten Xena after all. For surely that must be the second sacrifice - he had taken her darkness and with it one dimension of her soul, leaving behind this flat, empty shell.

Xena looked anxiously at her lover. "What is troubling you, my love? I've never seen you this distraught."

Gabrielle could not answer.

"Gabrielle, talk to me", Xena pleaded. "I can see something is wrong. Please, don't lock me out!"

Gabrielle groped for a way to say this that would not hurt her friend. "Oh, Xena... I don't know what's wrong with me..." Liar. "But..." Too late to turn back, now. This was still her best friend, her lover. But the thought had a hollow ring to it.

She forced herself to look up into those bottomless pools of clear blue. Quite ready even now to just let herself drift happily in that gaze forever. No time for that now.

"Xena, I... I need to leave you for a while. I need to sort something out." She cringed in anticipation of the response.

Xena smiled. "Sure. But you'll join me for dinner, later?"

Gods, she didn't understand! She wasn't making this any easier!

"No, Xena. That was not what I meant. I have to go away... for quite a bit longer than that. I'm sorry."

"But why? And where will you go? And for how long?"

Gabrielle straightened with sudden resolve. "Somebody has taken something from me... from us. And I mean to get it back." Or die in the attempt, which is much more likely, she finished silently. Yeah. No problem. All I'm trying to do is talk a couple of gods into giving me back what they really didn't want to take in the first place but went through a whole lot of trouble for. And I hardly think Xena will thank me either, if I do succeed somehow.

Xena patted her arm. "That's nice, dear. But are you sure you don't need any help? I'm still pretty strong. I could help."

"No, love, I'll be fine. Don't worry."

Even if she hates me for it, I have to try. I must make her whole again. Perhaps the gods will accept my life in exchange. It's not too high a price... for love.

Flicker.

"Don't leave me, Gabrielle."

"I won't. Not in this life, or the one after. I love you."

Flicker.

Gabrielle slowly opened her eyes, blinking against bright light that sent a searing pain through her head. A groan escaped her, and she forced her eyes open all the way. Looking straight into a pair of glacier blue eyes, gazing at her with some concern and more than a little relief. The eyes, she noticed, looked drawn and reddened.

"Hey", Gabrielle croaked, "How long have I been out?" I keep failing her. What is wrong with me?

"Couple days. How are you feeling?"

"Hurts. Bad." It's my heart that hurts worst of all. What will I do next to betray her?

"I'm sure. You received a pretty bad whack there. But you're okay?"

Gabrielle managed a small nod.

"Well, seems I have you back in one piece." She smiled. "I'm glad. I would never have forgiven myself otherwise. I was too late, again. " The smile vanished. "For a while, I thought I'd lose you. You were delirious. Must have been some roller coaster."

"You can say that again", Gabrielle said weakly, and tried to sit up. "Xena -"

Xena pushed her back down gently. "Not now, Gabrielle. You need rest. You just relax, okay? You're safe now." Gabrielle experienced a momentary sense of panic. She forced herself to calm down, and closed her eyes against the thrumming pain.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Xena said, worry creasing her brow, "Your breathing's a little... strained."

"Yeah. Just... I don't know. I had some very weird dreams. Think you could help me sit up?"

Xena started to protest, but a look at the bard's pleading face made her give in. "Sure." The warrior carefully placed am arm behind Gabrielle's back, and another behind her head, lifting her up slowly. Then she slipped behind Gabrielle so that the bard's back rested against her.

"That okay?"

"Just fine. Thanks."

They sat in silence for some time, Gabrielle very conscious of the warrior's body against her, her warm breath, and the loving sense of security the warrior emanated.

"Gabrielle - "

"Xena, I - "

"No, Gabrielle, I need to say this now." Xena laid a light finger on her mouth. Gabrielle could feel the warrior's breath quicken. "I really thought you'd... I couldn't stand the thought of not looking into your eyes again. And all the while all I could think about was how badly I've been treating you. And how I wouldn't be able to tell you how much I care about you. And how sorry I am."

Cold fear grabbed Gabrielle as she experienced a sense of 'deja vu'

"I know that Xena. You don't... Oh gods, wait a minute!" I've heard this before, haven't I? I've said this before. What if I tell her again that I....

Strong arms wrapped themselves around her, barely keeping her from sliding bonelessly to the ground. "Gabrielle, what's wrong? You're white as a sheet. Maybe you should lie down."

"No." Gabrielle took a shuddering breath. "It's... the dreams. In one of them, everything was just like... right now, and then you said something, and I said something, and all of a sudden I was back in this nightmare...." Where you died for me. She could not continue.

"And you're afraid it's going to happen again." Xena took a breath, and pulled her closer. "Gabrielle, you're back. You're here, I'm with you, and I'm not letting you go anywhere, don't you worry." After a pause, "You really scared the heck out of me, you know that? I could never bring myself to tell you this before, but I'm really glad you were too stubborn to leave me in all that time."

"I was that, huh?"

"Stubborn? Gods, yes. But I've always sort of liked that in you." Xena brushed a strand of hair out of the bard's face, and continued to gently trace the outline of Gabrielle's jaw. Gabrielle felt herself tense. Not again.

Xena just kept caressing her, and Gabrielle found herself relaxing against her will, and give in. What if this is real? Could she risk not finding out? She turned her head slightly, and met Xena's hungrily waiting lips with her own. "Do you love me, my bard.?"

Gabrielle's mind raced. This is the key. There is something here. I almost have it...

"Oh yes, Xena, I love you."

Flicker

Will it end here?

Flicker... Flicker... Flicker...

Not again. Will it ever end?

"I love you, Xena."

Flicker.

Oh, Please!

"I love you."

Flicker

Gabrielle slowly opened her eyes, blinking against bright light that sent a searing pain through her head. A groan escaped her, and she forced her eyes open all the way. Looking straight into a pair of glacier blue eyes, gazing at her with some concern and more than a little relief. The eyes, she noticed, looked drawn and reddened.

"Hey", Gabrielle croaked, "How long have I been out?"

"Couple days. How are you feeling?"

"Hurts. Bad"

"I'm sure. You received a pretty bad whack there. But you're okay? You can see me, hear me? No haze over your eyes, no loud ringing in your ears?"

Gabrielle managed a small nod. Xena peered intently into her eyes. She shaded them with her hand to see the pupils dilate, took her hand away to watch them contract in the light, and nodded to herself.

"Good. Can you feel this?" Xena's strong fingers then found several spots along her legs and arms where she applied light pressure, each time waiting for Gabrielle's confirmation before continuing with her examination. At last she straightened, satisfied.

That's my Xena, Gabrielle thought, always down-to-earth and all business. Glad to have her back. And she was, too.

"Well, seems I have you back in one piece. No damage to your brain, or spine." She smiled. "I'm glad. I would never have forgiven myself otherwise. " The smile vanished. "For a while, I thought I'd lose you. You were delirious. Must have been some roller coaster."

"You can say that again", Gabrielle said weakly, and tried to sit up. "Xena -"

Xena pushed her back down gently. "Not now, Gabrielle. You need rest. Here. I'll make you some tea against the pain. You just relax, okay? You're safe now. I'll be right back." Gabrielle experienced a momentary sense of panic. She forced herself to calm down, and closed her eyes against the thrumming pain. When Xena approached her with the tea, her breathing was still a little ragged.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Xena said, worry creasing her brow.

"Yeah. Just... I don't know. I had some very weird dreams. Think you could help me with that?" Indicating the cup Xena was carrying. "I don't think I'll be able to drink that, lying down."

"Sure." The warrior carefully placed am arm behind Gabrielle's back, and another behind her head, lifting her up slowly. Then she slipped behind Gabrielle so that the bard's back rested against her.

"That okay?" She said, handing her the cup, filled with a steaming fragrant liquid. "I put some honey in it. Smells all right, but tastes like centaur droppings"

"It's just fine. Thanks." She sipped dutifully at the tea, and made a face. "You're right. This does taste like centaur droppings. I don't think I want to know what you put in there! Where do you find all that beastly stuff?"

Xena chuckled. "Drink it. It'll make you better." She wriggled herself into a more comfortable position. "Now. You wanna talk about those dreams?"

"I'm sorry. But I'd really rather not." Gabrielle turned her head a little to look at the warrior, silently willing her friend to leave it at that for now.

"No problem." They sat in silence for quite some time. Gabrielle continued taking small swallows of the foul-tasting tea, all the while conscious of Xena's body against her. She felt so very close, as if Gabrielle had somehow gained a new understanding of her friend.

"Gabrielle - "

"Xena - "

"No, Gabrielle, I need to say this now." Xena laid a light finger on her mouth. Gabrielle could feel the warrior's breath quicken. "I really thought you'd... I couldn't stand the thought of not looking into your eyes again. And all the while all I could think about was how badly I've been treating you. And how I wouldn't be able to tell you how much I care about you. And how sorry I am."

Cold fear grabbed Gabrielle as a feeling of 'deja vu' washed over her.

"I know that Xena. You don't... Oh gods, wait a minute!" I've heard this before, haven't I? I've said this before. What if I tell her again that I....

Strong arms wrapped themselves around her, barely keeping her from sliding bonelessly to the ground. "Gabrielle, what's wrong? You're white as a sheet. Maybe you should lie down."

"No." Gabrielle took a shuddering breath. "It's... the dreams. In one of them, everything was just like... right now, and then you said something, and I said something, and all of a sudden I was back in this nightmare...." Where you died for me, and I failed you again and again. She could not continue.

"And you're afraid it's going to happen again." Xena took a breath, pulled her closer. "Gabrielle, you're back. You're here, I've got you, and I'm not letting you go anywhere, don't you worry." After a pause, "You really scared the heck out of me, you know that? I could never bring myself to tell you this before, but I'm really glad you were too stubborn to leave me in all that time."

"I was that, huh?" This was eerie. Gabrielle felt a chill run up her spine.

"Stubborn? Heck, yes! You still are. But I've always sort of liked that in you " Xena gently brushed a strand of hair out of the bard's face. Gabrielle relaxed against her, suddenly sleepy. "And now, you will get some sleep." Xena winked. "And knowing you like I do, I put a little something in your tea to help you do it."

"You put...? Why, you sneaky..." She broke off, yawning. "I'm going to get you for this", she murmured half-heartedly, as Xena eased her gently back onto her blanket, and sat down to guard her sleep. With her life.

While she was drifting slowly towards slumber, something occurred to Gabrielle.

"Xena, you weren't too late, this time.", she said drowsily, "Must be a good sign." The last thing she saw before the healing sleep claimed her was Xena's gentle smile, and her last thought....

Ah well, there are possibilities here...

The End

Return to the Fanfic Summary Page