(following the trend of naming stories after current favorite
Author: ocean gazer: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 13 Jan. 2001
Pairing: Sam and Janet, established relationship
Rating: umÖ PG? PG13?
Category: yet another short, angsty piece that has little
plot, no sex, and incomplete resolutions (donít say you werenít
Archive: Not at present, except for PR.
Disclaimer: We all know I donít own Ďem; since Iím
not MGM, Showtime, Gekko, Double Secret, or anyone else
involved. Iím borrowing them for my own demented entertainment
and will put them away when Iím done playing. I do this for
love, not moneyÖ any aforementioned owners should feel free to
borrow at will.
Song Ref.: The song "Drive" is by Incubus (donít
own them eitherÖ consider this a free plug for your CDÖ
yeah, thatís itÖ) Brief song quote (since it provided
inspiration for the storyÖ):
"Sometimes, I feel the sense of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I canít help but ask myself how much Iíll let the fear
take the wheel and steer. Itís driven me before, and it seems
to have a vague, haunting mass appeal. But lately I am beginning
to find that I should be the one behind the wheel. Whatever
tomorrow brings, Iíll be there with open arms and open
Comments: This piece is very very very roughÖ it was
written quickly with little revision. Critical comments welcome
(no flames please)Ö because I know it needs work. Nice
comments are also welcome. Thanks go to Barb for being
Sam Carter stopped dead in her tracks in the kitchen doorway as she
heard the word fly from Janet Fraiserís mouth. A knife fell from the
brunetteís hand to clatter against the floor and Sam could see the
swell of blood bubble up from the cut flesh.
She hurried into the kitchen, going straight to Janetís side as she
moved to the sink. The doctor held her hand under cold running water and
cursed under her breath. Sam stared at her lover for a long minute,
noticing the way she refused to look at her, not acknowledging her
presence even though they were standing close enough to touch.
Carter turned over several phrases in her mind, finally settling on,
"What can I do to help?" It wasnít nearly as eloquent as she
would have liked, but it scored points for being fairly non-pushy and
non-threatening. Janet had been on edge and withdrawn for the past
couple of days, and the last thing Sam wanted to do under the
circumstances was aggravate her.
Janet didnít respond in words, but she did look up, haltingly. Pain
sparkled in the brown eyes that had nothing to do with the cut on her
hand. Sam met the gaze steadily, trying to project reassurance as hard
as she could.
To say that the past few days had been difficult would have been a
bit of an understatement. Janet had been amazingly quiet and moody,
dismissing Samís concerns and questions with a small shrug of the
shoulders and a brief, "I need some space; Iíll be fine."
And Carter, who could argue a point with and press for information
from intimidating superior officers without thinking twice, found
herself at a loss. She couldnít bring herself to push Janetóafraid
of sending her lover into even more of a shell.
Sam freely admitted to herself that the emotional realm was in no way
her specialty. She and Janet had danced around their growing attraction
for monthsóuntil the doctor finally broached the subject. Carter had
wanted to, but barely knew how, and found herself scared of the
implications inherent in even asking about an attraction beyond
In the month or so that they had been lovers, Sam frequently felt
like a fish out of water, discovering emotions that usually lay dormant
and depths of passion previously unsuspected. She relied heavily on
Janetís strength and patience to help her navigate the landscape. And
now that she wanted nothing more than to be there in the same way for
Janetóshe found herself even more out of her depth, not sure what to
She let her fingers settle in a light hold on the underside of Janetís
wounded hand, turning it to see the bloody cut. Sam looked at her loveróthe
woman stood stiff, her features set in an unreadable mask.
"Let me help you bandage this," Carter offered quietly,
grateful when she received a curt nod in response.
She grabbed a handful of paper towels and pressed them over the
wound, and led Janet out of the kitchen and into the bathroom. She
wanted to say somethingóanythingóto comfort the woman, not because
of the physical injury but because of whatever was going on in her mind.
But she couldnít find words, this time not just from uncertainty, but
from fearóthe fear that her bumbling attempts to help would drive her
lover further away, fear that she would make things worse because she
didnít know what was wrong.
She settled Janet on the edge of the bathtub, noting almost absently
that the brunette was pliant as a paper doll. The woman watched as Sam
dug out the first aid supplies, a fact Carter noticed by surreptitious
glances in the mirror, but the unreadable mask remained in place.
Had the circumstances been different, Sam would have taken a perverse
delight in the irony of the patient treating the doctor. As things
stood, not even a faint trace of amusement existed in the back of Carterís
She examined the cut, seeing that it didnít seem deep enough for
stitches, though it was long and looked painful. With a short apology,
she swabbed the wound with antiseptic; Janet winced, but didnít even
offer an acerbic comment, or mutter curses under her breath.
Sam shot a worried glance at the other woman. The thought popped up
unexpectedly that she ought to be angry or hurt over being completely
shut out by the woman she loved, but she couldnít find it in her heart
to feel that way. All she could feel was overwhelming concern and a
desire to do anything she could to make things easier, to somehow find a
magic cure for all Janetís ills, even if she didnít know what they
She knew Janet wasnít trying to hurt her by keeping herself closed
off, and she understood all too well about walls and barriers: the
doctor had crashed through every single one Sam ever had.
She knelt in front of the wounded woman, taking her time as she
carefully cut a neat section off a roll of gauze, and then tore even
strips off a roll of adhesive tape. She glanced up briefly to find Janet
watching her with a flicker of interest in her eyes.
A surge of reliefóso strong that it nearly caused her to topple
over backwardsórushed through Sam; finally Janet seemed to be focused
on something other than her own inner turmoil. She dressed the wound
with efficient hands, sparing another glance to notice how Fraiserís
gaze turned appraising as she continued to watch the bandaging.
Sam pressed the final bit of adhesive tape onto the smooth skin of
Janetís hand, looking up in time to see a tiny smile crease the edge
of the doctorís mouth. Sam felt her own lips quirk in a matching grin,
knowing she had applied the textbook version of one of the many field
dressings Fraiser had taught the various SG teams.
Neither woman moved, and then Janet locked gazes with Sam for a long
moment before leaning forward to lay her head on Carterís shoulder.
She scooted closer to where the brunette sat on the tub edge and wrapped
her arms around the smaller woman in a protective embrace.
She felt Janet lean harder against her and heard a muffled sigh. Not
sure whether she should intrude or not, Sam whispered as gently as she
could, "Are you going to be ok?"
When Janet offered no immediate response, Sam berated herself for
asking in the first place. She was still learning about the woman in her
armsóstill learning her responses and her needs, both in and out of
Theyíd worked together for a long time as friends before making the
leap to lovers, but as they grew more intimate and dropped more of their
facades, some of the ways theyíd learned to relate to each other were
not quite adequate. And Sam knew all too well that she did not always
know when to do what, not because she was stupid or uncaring, but simply
because she was still learning.
Janetís voice, quiet and slow, broke into Samís thoughts. "I
think Iíll be okay."
Sam pulled away from her lover just enough to place a finger under
her chin and coax her head up so that their gazes met. She let her hand
cup Janetís cheek while her fingers stroked lightly and soothingly.
Still whispering gently, Sam offered, "I want to help if I
can." She paused for an entire heartbeat and then said, "If
the problem is me, or something Iíve done, and youÖ" She broke
off to swallow hard against the sudden, aching lump in her throat before
continuing slowly and carefully, "If you need me to leave for a
while, you know, to give you some time and spaceÖ wellÖ IÖ I just
want to do what I can to help youÖ even ifÖ" Tears welled in
her eyes, as she hoped fervently that she was not the cause of her loverís
At that broken sentence, Janet sat bolt upright, as if sheíd been
struck by lightening. The doctorís arms wrapped around Sam in such a
tight hug that she thought vaguely that her ribs would end up bruised.
"God no!" Janet yelped, clinging hard to Sam. "Thatís
the last thing I want. God, Iím such a selfish idiot; I should have
known you would think this is somehow your fault."
She broke off, and Sam could feel her body shake with sudden sobs.
She held Janet close and simply let her cry, not saying anything other
than "just let go", petting her hair soothingly and rubbing
her back lightly. Feeling her lover wracked with sobs never had been a
big dream of Carterís, but she felt an intense sense of love and awe
at being able to share in such a profound and personal moment.
After a long while, she heard Janet sigh deeply as the sobs tapered
off. Sam tugged lightly and maneuvered Janet from her spot on the tub
edge to a spot on the floor. She leaned back against the tub with Janet
settled sideways between her legs and her head resting against Carterís
shoulder. She wrapped her arms snugly around the smaller woman, and
pressed a kiss to the top of her head.
Janet reached up and stroked a gentle path along the lines of Carterís
throat. "Thanks, Sam," she said quietly.
Sam sighed deeply, feeling like something important had just
happened, even if she had no idea what it was. She pressed another kiss
to the top of Janetís head and said seriously, "I just want you
to be okay."
The brunette mirrored her sigh. "I think I will beÖ now. You
have no idea how much it helped to just cry and be held and let myself
really get some things out of my system." She paused and Carter
scarcely dared breathe, not wanting to break the mood.
Janet continued, her voice pensive and thoughtful. "Itís just
that Iíve been so scared recently by how intense my feelings for you
areÖ and so uncertain about what the future holds. I didnít know how
to tell you that, and Iím sorry I made you feel like youíd done
something wrong. I feel bad for backing away from you the past few days,
but I just needed some space to try and get a handle on my
emotions." She added a dry disclaimer, "Obviously I managed
that part really well."
Sam hugged the woman closer to her. "Itís okay," she
soothed. "It wasnít easy because I was worried about you, worried
because I didnít know what was going on. And I didnít know how to
askÖ or even whether I should ask. But itís okayÖ I
understand." And then, as if the first part of the sentence finally
penetrated Carterís brain, she added, incredulity filling her voice,
"You were scared?"
The doctor offered an emphatic nod. "Still am, truthfully. Donít
get me wrongÖ Iím not planning on backing away from this
relationship. Youíre the best thing to happen to me in a very long
time. Itís just that there are so many things that make our futureÖ
difficultÖ and when I dwell on them too long, I get scared."
Carter felt her heart break at the emotion underlying the words. She
had relied so much on Janetís strength that it had not even occurred
to her that her lover might be just as confused as she was. She murmured
against the womanís hair, "I think I owe you an apology for being
a selfish idiot. Iíve been totally blind to the fact that you were
Janet stretched up to kiss the underside of Samís jaw. "Ok, so
weíre both selfish idiots," she commented dryly, "at least
weíre in good company."
Sam felt a laugh bubble up in her chest and she hugged her lover
tighter. Thoughts raced through her head, and she fought to sort them
into something coherent. "I wish I could tell you everything will
be just fine with not a care in the world, but I canít. Thereíre our
careers, thereís CassieÖ there are all sorts of complications. All I
can tell you is that I love you and that Iím here for you and with
you, and that I donít plan on going anywhere."
She heard another sigh from the brunette. "Funny," Janet
said thoughtfully, "I was going to tell you the exact same thing. Iím
uncertain, and yes, Iím scared, but I love you and I want to be here
Carter tilted the womanís head up to lock gazes for a moment.
"I really think we can be okay if we just hold on to each otherÖ
and talk to each otherÖ and trust in each other." She pressed a
tiny, soft kiss onto her loverís lips before releasing her hold on
The doctor snuggled her head onto Samís shoulder again. "I do
love you, you know."
Sam felt a sudden increase in her heart rate at the simple sentence.
"I love you too," she breathed. "Letís just try to be
here together today and let tomorrow worry about itself. And whatever
happens, we face it together. I know itís not that simple, and I know
it wonít always be easyÖ"
Janet picked up where Sam left off. "But weíll do what we can
to be there for each other."
Carter chuckled briefly. "You stole my lines," she
complained without the slightest hint of rancor.
"Well," Janet began, letting her wounded hand steal up to
caress Samís face, "that seems pretty minor, considering that you
stole my heart."
Letting the conversation lie fallow for a moment, Carter ducked her
head down to share a long, sweet kiss with her lover. She still had no
magic answers, and still had no idea what the future held, but she knew
that it felt good and right to be with Janet in the present.
For now, that was magic enough.